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User blog:WonderPikachu12/TDERB Season 2 Episode 8: But Wait, There's More!
I don't remember writing this. ---- EpicLLOYD: I’m Nice Peter! Nice Peter: And I’m Nice Peter! Both: And this is Nice Peter! EpicLLOYD: Last time, the contestants competed to make a meat statue for Hannibal the cannibal! Now, they must make a commercial for Billy Mays! Nice Peter: Laziness! EpicLLOYD: Here on Total Drama ERB! *The scene cuts to the cabins in the morning. Most people are passed out over random furniture; the house has holes in the wall in some places and explosion burns in others. Furniture and carpet are torn up, walls and ceilings have holes, leaks, and wallpaper tears, the chandelier is dangling loosely while John Lennon snores loudly on it. Rick Grimes is sitting in a seat at a broken dining table, sleeping soundly, while Justin Bieber is crying of fear by the kitchen entrance. Dirt, mud, animal feathers, water, meatloaf, and other stuff can be seen on the floor. Al Capone wakes up from his sleep, wakes up Cleopatra, and both walk downstairs in horror.* Al Capone: Sweet Jesus, what happened here? Cleopatra: It looks uglier than our old cabin! Captain Kirk: Eh… augh… where am I… *Captain Kirk gets up from the floor, shirtless with a dick painted on his stomach. His pants are covered by a grass skirt, and he has drool on his face.* Captain Kirk: What… happened… Al Capone: All of you got drunk or something. Did everyone else seriously join in on this stupid little party? Captain Kirk: Oh, shit, something’s… on my… stomach. Please tell me… god dammit, this is… a dick. *William Wallace wanders out of the kitchen, meatloaf and lipstick on his face.* William Wallace: I got lucky, I tell ya! Nice dick, Kirk! Ye scrawny bastard! Captain Kirk: You also… got some… meatloaf… William Wallace: I wondered why Monroe’s lips tasted a wee bit meaty… *Marilyn Monroe exits the kitchen after Wallace before falling flat to the floor in front of Bieber.* William Wallace: Don’t mind her… she’s a bit, er, intolerable of the stuff. Must be genetics or some shyte... Justin Bieber: Intolerable? She’s probably dead! Captain Kirk: She looks… fine to me… and I don’t mean… in beauty. *Rick Grimes wakes up, and after looking at the condition of the cabin, shouts some profanities and tries to clean up a bit.* Rick Grimes: What in the sam hill happened here? Did a bear break in? Someone shoulda manned the camp, parnders. *The chandelier falls, Lennon smashing into the branches of it, managing to not fall into huge chunks of glass.* Rick Grimes: Holy shit, you alright? John Lennon: The candles? They’re fucked. Me? Probably a flesh wound, no biggie. Where the hell’s Ross? *Bob Ross looks in the doorway, completely naked, then runs in, carrying Ronald McDonald’s arm.* Bob Ross: Dude, I got an arm! William Wallace: Ye also got naked. Bob Ross: Who gives a shit? It’s a fucking arm, bro! John Lennon: Sweet! We could like, sell it on eBay for crack or something! Cleopatra: Now that the idiots have shown themselves, I wonder where everyone else is… *Raphael appears at the top of the stairs, tries to walk down, then stumbles down the rest. He lands on his face, then looks up at Cleopatra and the others.* Raphael: I can see my house from here… oh wait, this is my house. Sick. Captain Kirk: If my memory serves me… Mr. T is on the… ro- *Mr. T crashes through the floor onto a Wonderboner Mattress™, wearing nothing but a diaper, with a bird nest on him. He wakes up from the impact then looks at the hole above him.* Mr. T: How did I survive? Rick Grimes: Well, you did land on a mattress. What was this, a slumber party? We got mattresses and shit everywhere. Now all we need is some girl trapped in her sleep, shit. *Sarah Palin looks up from out of a sleeping bag zipped up around her face designed to look like a caterpillar, and wiggles over to Rick.* Sarah Palin: Can ya unzip me? This fabric ain’t the most comfy, ya know? Rick Grimes: Uh… sure… *Rick Grimes begins to unzip Sarah Palin before the two notice her clothes on another mattress, underwear included.* Sarah Palin: I’ll just stay in here, I guess… Raphael: It’s funny because you’re a caterpillar… Mr. T: I don’t think any of us’ll be able to function in the challenge today… say, where’s Joan? *Joan of Arc wakes up suddenly on the couch, hair messed up completely, cheeks red. A few seconds later, Gorgo looks up as well, underneath her.* Raphael: Hot… Two women... Al Capone: Could anything else go wrong? *Suddenly, a giant pine tree falls through the side of the house, slicing the kitchen and dining area in half. Luigi slides off the side of the tree, wearing fish net stockings and a pair of panties. Mario rolls out of the bottom with Peach, both covered in pine needles, pinecones, and sap.* Cleopatra: Does no one learn from saying that? It’s like karma in these scenarios... *Lady Gaga pops out of the tree, wearing a squirrel suit.* Mr. T: Oh god… That phrase really is some karma… Captain Kirk: Donatello and… Hillary are… missing. William Wallace: So is yer capability of basic speech, ya runt! *Hillary Clinton appears out of the kitchen wearing nothing but her underwear, completely frozen.* Hillary Clinton: W-w-who did this to m-me?! John Lennon: I think it was Mr. T or something… shiiiit… last noght is foggy. I just remember we duct taped some loser to the ceiling. But if Ross is here, then... *Muffled screams are heard from the ceiling in the kitchen as everyone notices Donatello stuck to the ceiling with duct tape. Mr. T tries to rip the duct tape off to free Donatello, but only manages to rip off a chunk of the ceiling. Carefully leaning Donatello against the wall, he babies the duct tape off of his mouth.* Mr. T: Peter and Lloyd are gonna kill us! *Goku rolls down the stairs, and Macho Man waddles after him in a barrel.* Goku: Everybody Kakatrot! Yay! Macho Man: Peter and Lloyd had us set this up, guys. He wants to test your behavior after being drunk. We ended up getting a bit buzzed, too. *Edgar Allan Poe appears in the doorway, looking nervous.* Edgar Allan Poe: This news may be rather out of the blue, but we have some employees with training to do! Goku: Aw, are the new potatoes here? I don’t wanna be a soggy french fry! Macho Man: Goku’s still a bit drunk, Poe. Are the new guys really here already? Edgar Allan Poe: It fills me with massive nerve and fright to mention they all arrived last night! Goku: FILTHY POTATOES! Bob Ross: I have a potato here in my pocket! Wait, that isn’t a pocket... Edgar Allan Poe: And as for the contestants, you’ve got no time to change! The challenge is calling for you to arrive right away! Sarah Palin: Really? I’m stuck as the hungry little centipede for an entire day? Bob Ross: Finally! A challenge in the nude! My calling! John Lennon: I’ll join you! *John Lennon begins to strip down, but only manages his pants before Hillary Clinton, shivering, pulls him along.* Hillary Clinton: I may not have my dignity, but I won’t be losing today! Joan of Arc: ...so, uhh, Gorgo. Should we...talk about what happened? Gorgo: No. Joan of Arc: Right. Probably not best to talk about it. I mean...you’ve got a husband! That’s right! Gorgo: Yeah. Plus, you’re a virgin! Joan of Arc: Right! Yeah. Virgin. Gorgo: Exactly. Joan of Arc: Of course. Gorgo: … Joan of Arc: ...I’m just going to go...over there. Gorgo: Sounds good. *John Lennon walks over to Gorgo.* John Lennon: Dude, I hate to break it to you, but I bet Leonidas watches this… *Gorgo suddenly gets very nervous and ducks away from the camera. Everyone walks to the challenge area, a dock by a lake with a bunch of filming devices and two separate stages. Billy Mays is standing between them, bouncing up and down like a ticking timebomb. Most people are given some form of clothes to wear due to their current situation. Someone throws Ross a towel, which he wraps around himself like a cape.* Bob Ross: Man, today’s my lucky day! John Lennon: Dude, you’re Superman! *Billy Mays pulls out a megaphone and proceeds to shout into it.* Billy Mays: HI, BILLY MAYS HERE! Al Capone: Jesus christ, you want us to go deaf? Donatello: Well, none of you hear me, so I don’t think it matters… *Raphael looks over concerned at Donatello, just before Billy Mays shouts again.* Billy Mays: TODAY, I’VE GOT A SPECIAL OFFER FOR YOU! FOR JUST THE PRICE OF ONE TEAMMATE, YOU ARE GOING TO TRY AND MAKE A COMMERCIAL FOR ONE PRODUCT I’VE ASSIGNED YOU! Captain Kirk: Turn… down… your megaphone! William Wallace: TURN DOWN HIS WHAT? Billy Mays: TEAM GANGSTERS, YOU GET MY LATEST PRODUCT, THE INSTA-CHEESE, 19.95$ WITHOUT SHIPPING AND HANDLING! William Wallace: HANDLING YER WHAT? Cleopatra: I think my ears are bleeding… Billy Mays: AND TEAM MARIO SUCKS A BIG FAT, YOU GET MY MOST FAMOUS PRODUCT, THE OXI-CLEAN STAIN REMOVER! BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! *Billy Mays pauses for a second, relieving everyone.* Rick Grimes: Wait fer wh- Billy Mays: START NOW, AND YOU GET FIVE HOURS TO WORK ON IT! THAT’S RIGHT, FIVE! THAT’S 50% OFF IT’S REGULAR TIME! WE’LL EVEN THROW IN A FREE HOT TUB FOR THE WINNERS! ORDER NOW! EpicLLOYD: You worthless lots have five hours to work on this, go, go, go! Billy Mays: MAKE YOUR DEAD PARENTS PROUD, YOU PATHETIC FREAKS! GO MAKE BIG BILLY SOME QUALITY COMMERCIALS AND REDEEM YOUR OTHERWISE PATHETIC LIVES! MY SIBLINGS ALL BURNED IN A FIRE! *All the teams run to their respective stage to get to work.* Team Mario is a Big Fat Hillary Clinton: Anybody have an idea as to how we advertise a stain remover? Bob Ross: I think we shou- Hillary Clinton: Aside from the crazies? Donatello: Well, Ross already has his clothes off… Maybe we just find some ways to stain that like the dirt or something? *Hillary Clinton, along with everybody barring Raphael ignores Donatello’s suggestion. Hillary Clinton sighs in annoyance.* Hillary Clinton: Nothing at all from any of you? Donatello: Well I- William Wallace: I gots me an idea! Hows about we take afro boys clothes he got rid of and rub those in the dirt, then we can test this stain cleaner shite. Donatello: Um, that’s what I sai- Hillary Clinton: Not a bad idea, Wallace, where did you think up that one? William Wallace: Eh, it just came to me, I guess. *Donatello walks off annoyed, Raphael watching him go* Donatello: Why do I even bother with them? John Lennon: We shouldn’t use blood to stain the clothes, blood is really hard to get off of clothes, trust me. Joan of Arc: Why do you know that? John Lennon: Funny story, actually, this one time I was with this chick a- Captain Kirk: Let’s… just get to… this challenge… Hillary Clinton: Agreed. Luigi: LET’SA WIN! Bob Ross: FUCK CENSORSHIP! Raphael: Especially concerning the ladies here. Joan of Arc: Why am I on the team with all the crazies? Team Gangsters *Team Gangsters is shown on stage, shoving things around awkwardly as they attempt a plan.* Marilyn Monroe: What’s so appealing about cheese? Rick Grimes: Well… you can spray this one. Guess that’s cool. *Mr. T shakes up the spray can, causing it to spray a huge string of factory made cheese in his face. He wipes it off disgusted.* Lady Gaga: Guys, I have the greatest idea. Al Capone: Does it involve us dressing up in one of your little costumes? Lady Gaga: Y-well… uh… Gorgo: I’d like to see where this is going. Mr. T: Yeah, for all we know it saves our butts! Al Capone: Aight, sorry, I wasn’t trying ta reject her idea. (Confessional) Al Capone: I’m trying to be a bit nicer, ya know? But I’m also gettin’ some weird accent… I ain’t never had this before, I tell you. Being nice makes ya sound like a fuckwad… Cleopatra: Do we dress up as a mouse, or something? I mean, we are advertising cheese… Lady Gaga: Nope, actually. I found an Easter Bunny costume in the hallway a while ago, and I think it’d be useful. I found some eggs as well. *Lady Gaga pulls out some giant eggs and a pink bunny costume out of nowhere. One of the eggs falls and cracks open, spilling yellow liquid everywhere.* Al Capone: Yikes… Employee interviews *The camera cuts to the cafeteria, which is cleared save for a stage and a table with three seats. Seated at them are Hulk Hogan, Goku, and Edgar Allan Poe. Vince Offer walks up onstage.* Vince Offer: Hello, I am Vince Offer, and I’d like to be a new intern. Goku: So, Mister Price, tell us a little about yoursmelf. Vince Offer: Well, I’m one hell of a Jew, that’s for sure. And I beat up a prostitute. Hey, she wasn’t being nice either, to be fair. Hulk Hogan: Uh… what are your qualities, sir? Vince Offer: I’m nice, punctual, functional, and a Jew. Edgar Allan Poe: What ever does being Jewish even have to do with this? Vince Offer: I dunno. Just, think about me… you need me here. Hulk Hogan: NEXT! *Bill and Ted walk onto the stage, with medallions and guitars.* Goku: Welcome! Who are you two ladies? Bill Preston: This dude right here’s my bro, Ted. Ted Logan: And this radical dude here is Bill, dudes. Hulk Hogan: So, tell us about yourselves, please. Goku: Yeah, tell us about yoursmelves. Ted Logan: *Air guitars* Well, we’re pretty cool dudes. We went traveling through time with a dude named Rufus for a paper, and met some babes… Bill Preston: Some bodacious babes, dude! Ted Logan: Yeah, dude! *Air guitars* Anyways, we kinda did some timey stuff, and we think doing this would be cool, dudes. Bill Preston: This place seems radical. Edgar Allan Poe: What qualities do you pertain that would make you two worthy to maintain? Bill Preston: Besides sick guitar skills *air guitars*, we’re chill. Ted Logan: Chill, but we work. We worked and saved our butts once. Bill Preston: You mean saved time’s butts, dude? Ted Logan: Yeah! *The two turn to each other and air guitar, then turn back to the table.* Bill Preston: We’d be totally radical to have here, just ask So-crates. Goku: I talk to crates all the time! I’ll go ask them right now! *Hulk Hogan holds Goku back by the back of his shirt, jotting down on a piece of paper, then looks at the duo.* Hulk Hogan: Okay, “dudes”, that’s all we need. Next audition! *Bill and Ted walk offstage, playing air guitar and making guitar noises as Criss Angel walks in.* Hulk Hogan: This will be a looooong day. Team Mario is a Big Fat *The team is currently rubbing dirt into Bob Ross’s clothing, Bob Ross decides to twerk in front of Hillary Clinton while they do.* Hillary Clinton: If you’re going to do that, then do it away from me, please. Bob Ross: But this move always impresses the ladies! John Lennon: I’m impressed, that’s for damn sure. Bob Ross: Thanks honey! Justin Bieber: Disgusting, this whole challenge. William Wallace: I don’t see ye helpin, ye lazy sack o’ shite! Justin Bieber: Newsflash, dipshit, I’m in a stretcher, HOW am I gonna help? William Wallace: I can think of a few ways, lassie. Justin Bieber: I’m a guy, and what would those be, Captain Kilt? Captain Kirk: You rang? William Wallace: Don’t worry, I have an idea. Justin Bieber: And that would be? William Wallace: You’ll see at the challenge. Justin Bieber: Whatever you say, little Willy. (Confessional) William Wallace: Oh, that little lassie’s gonna be very useful for what I have in mind, heh heh heh... Team Gangster *The camera shows Mr. T in a bunny costume, with everyone setting up a rough hill scene behind him. Lady Gaga is busy fixing up the costume for him while Marilyn Monroe talks with Al Capone.* Lady Gaga: Sorry about the smell. I really am. It’s not my fault, but we don’t have time to wash it. You’re being a good sport, though. Mr. T: Man, this smells like a sweat shop! And I mean literally a shop full of sweat! Can I at least go jump in the lake? Lady Gaga: Hey, at least you look cute. Mr. T: Really? Y-you really mean it? Lady Gaga: Well, you are dressed up as a bunny. *Mr. T looks somewhat disappointed. The camera pans over to Monroe and Capone.* Al Capone: So… whaddya tryin’ ta say? Marilyn Monroe: You and Cleopatra are old news, hon. Al Capone: But we ain’t been a thing for long, the hell’s we old mean? Marilyn Monroe: It’s all about you and me now, Capone. Al Capone: What. We barely know each other, hell, this probably is the most we’ve ta- oh, you think I’m gonna fall for this little “trick”... Well, go try it on someone else, missie. I may be fat but I ain’t stupid. Cleopatra: Hey, Capone, mind fetching me some flowers over there? These fake ones Palin made are falling flatter than Miley’s ass. Sarah Palin: They were supposed to be flowers? Al Capone: Aight, honey. *Al Capone walks away to pick flowers, while Monroe pouts and walks to Rick.* Marilyn Monroe: Hey, you and Cleo are old n- Rick Grimes: Man, you’re just cryin’ out pathetic, aren’t ya? Marilyn Monroe: Hey! Excuse me? Sarah Palin: HA! Marilyn Monroe: Oh, shut up, miss Who! Rick Grimes: Miss Who? Gorgo: Wait, who does she miss? Marilyn Monroe: Not misses Who, Miss Who! Gorgo: I just asked, “miss who”? Who do you miss, Palin? Rick Grimes: I don’t think Palin over here misses anyone. Sarah Palin: I miss my kids, I guess. Monroe, what’s yer point? Do you want kids? Marilyn Monroe: She doesn’t miss anyone! She’s Miss Who! (Confessional) Rick Grimes: I know what the hell she means, I just like messin’ with her. It’s more obvious than a Walker in a honey bucket what the hell she’s sayin’. But face it, she’s oblivious. Marilyn Monroe: Are you all idiots? Cleopatra: Don’t we all ask that sometimes? Marilyn Monroe: She sabotage- *Sarah Palin splashes Marilyn Monroe in the face with a jar of green paint, getting it everywhere on her face, hair, and dress. In disgust, Monroe marches off into the woods after where Capone went.* Rick Grimes: If this ain’t a dysfunctional bunch, I don’t know what is… *The camera cuts to Monroe in the forest, taking off her dress a bit to get off the green paint.* Marilyn Monroe: Lousy moose-fucking bitch… I bet her kids look like deformed cows, crying out “help me” in a deformed moose voice… rowdy skank. *The bushes nearby rustle a bit, concerning Monroe a bit before she continues on.* Marilyn Monroe: Y’know… no one is around to see me… I could go skinny-dipping… or other things… mhmm-hmmm… wait, cameras. Ech. *The bush nearby rustles again, and Monroe turns around quickly before getting shoved into a burlap sack. She begins screaming in terror, but it is only muffled as the kidnapper runs away to the lake. Blackbeard’s hat pops up out from a bush, and he shouts madly as he watches the creature run away, before drinking some rum. Al Capone, poorly tied up, falls out of the bush face first.* Blackbeard: Yargh… Brussel the Ripper got away again… Al Capone: Ain’t it “Jack” the Ripper? Blackbeard: Fer all ye knowin’, he preferin’ Brussel. Check yer priv’lige. Al Capone: I gots a challenge and a lady to return to, minds lettin’ me go? Blackbeard: No… not with BRUSSEL on the loose! Al Capone: *eye roll* Not again… Blackbeard: I arrived t’ this island in a trip er’ destiny last year, and I be returned by my damned barrel to fufill m’ duties of protection. A duty yer wee lil mind couldn’ta handle with a pair of tweezers. Yer very sissy lives be d’pendin’ on tee eye of grandpa Blackbeard. That there psychiatrist ran away with e’nuther of the lassies, and I ain’t lettin’ no scalliwag wag his scalli at me face, not no longer. Ya an me, boy, gonsta catch’er a rippity thing, and then a kraken, and we’s a gonna sell them for crack money! Or fer Satin’s soul! I heard it’s soft! Maybe I get me one them pretty pri’cess like the fruit gal here… would’n mind me a bit em apples, y’know how I be liken em... Al Capone: As lovely as this all sounds, I really need ta go. Blackbeard: Don’t worry, I ain’t no peepin’ tom. The bush was made fer’ a reason. These landlubbin’ Petey and LuhLoyd don’t stand no Blackbeard brain, not them. Asses sent me to the locker b’fore school was out! Al Capone: No-augh, let me go! And take a shower, geez! Blackbeard: I’m tellin’ ya, nature’s callin’ and I ain’t pickin no third phone up ter eavesdrop like them lizardmen in the trees! *Shakes his sword at a branch.* Ya hear me, Obama? I’m inti yer lil puny op’rativation, scaley beast! *Al Capone quietly scoots away on his butt while Blackbeard goes off at the tree.* Blackbeard: And I ain’t yer mother! Yeah! Take it, ye scums! *An iguana falls onto Blackbeard’s hat, and he turns to look at where Capone once sat.* Blackbeard: Damn ye, bastardly Obama lizard. Ye stole me man! Like Johnny once did! More Interviews *Frank Sinatra walks up onto the stage, and offers all three a glass of wine, holding them on a silver tray held up by his left hand.* Hulk Hogan: Don’t mind if I do… Frank Sinatra: Hello, my name is Frank Sinatra. Singer, dancer, suave man. Goku: HOW DO YOU SMELL YOURSELF? Hulk Hogan: He means, uh… let’s see. How would you help here, since you answered our first question? Frank Sinatra: I smell lovely, Mr. Saiyan. As for my help… I am a man of natural talent. I can do anything well. With a little thing I call “panache”. Goku: I like pancakes! Edgar Allan Poe: Not even close, sir. Care for further boast, sir? Frank Sinatra: Sure. I am a gentleman at soul with charisma to pass around. You say “go clean the tables”, and I say “I did during my break, sir.” And then I’ll polish your shoes, no charge, obviously. Hulk Hogan: Brother, I don’t even wear shoes and that sounds sweet. Alright, next interview! *Frank Sinatra walks away as Lewis and Clark walk up on stage.* Goku: Look, raccoons! Edgar Allan Poe: May I be so intrigued to ask, who are these two wishing to pass? Meriwether Lewis: Aw, this isn’t the hunting lodge. William Clark: You really are stupid, Lewis. *The two walk offstage, confusing Hogan as Beethoven runs after them, walkie-talkie discussing something with Mozart. RoboCop walks onto stage.* Goku: A REAL LIFE DINOSAUR! RoboCop: I AM HERE TO GET A JOB! Hulk Hogan: May we help you… uh, who’re you? RoboCOP: I am RoboCop. Protector of society from the evils of the LAW! Goku: I like sloths! Hulk Hogan: That’s not even clo- Tell us about yourself, please. RoboCop: I am a robotic officer. Robo-cop. I believe this takes care of it. Hulk Hogan: What makes you think you have what it takes? RoboCop: I believe I can take care of rambunctious behavior such as those weirdly dressed men with guns. Why? Because... I AM THE LAAAAW! Edgar Allan Poe: Okay, I guess… okay, who’s next? *The Terminator crashes a car into the cafeteria through the wall, then grabs RoboCop and leaves. The two non-anime hosts look and sigh, while Goku picks up a crate and talks to it.* Team Gangsters: *Cleopatra is wandering around the stage worriedly, looking for Capone, while Palin laughs and the others work. Mr. T, Gaga, and Gorgo are already filming a bit.* Lady Gaga: Hey, Palin, could you stop for a second? We’re trying to film… Sarah Palin: Hey, something’s going wrong and I didn’t try! Cleopatra: Oh, Capone… where could you be? We need those flowers, babe! Rick Grimes: Maybe flowers ain’t easy to find around here. Hey, Cleo, how bouts’ you an’ me go look for Capone? He couldn’ta gone much further, and if it makes it less awkward, we could always split. Covers more ground. Cleopatra: I doubt Capone would do this on purpose… he’s lazy. He wouldn’t go too far! Rick Grimes: Hey, Gorgo. You watch over everything up here. Cleo, Palin and I will go huntin’ for Capone. Mario: Imma here too, y’know? Sarah Palin: HUNTING? (Confessional) Sarah Palin: Finally! I get to shoot someone! First my plan works out, then someone suffers, and now I can kill someone? God, are you listening? God (Outside confessional): NO! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE, CREEP! *The camera cuts to Cleopatra, who is sobbing, wandering somewhat alone, looking for Capone. She nears the same spot Monroe was caught.* Cleopatra: I don’t trust Palin looking for my Al… she’ll probably skin him like a moose. *Sobs* I need to find him quick! *Cleopatra hears rustling in a bush. She quickly runs ten feet and turns around, grabs a stick and waits, somewhat in tears, to see who is there.* Cleopatra: Show yourself! *A hat pops out of the bush, and Capone shoves his head out.* Al Capone: Cleo? Cleopatra: Capone? CAPONE! You had me worried… well, us worried, but I need you most of all! *Cleopatra runs over to Capone, and hugs him, but reels her arms back when she notices he’s… melting.* Al Capone: Follow me… come on… to the caaaaave…. Cleopatra: Are you alright? You seem a bit… oh. You’re not Capone, you asshat! Nice try! *Capone’s face sludges off, revealing his skull.* Al Capone: Make this easy for the both of us… Everything is… a liiiiiiiiieeee… *Cleopatra backs up a bit, then walks backwards slowly, then runs away towards the river.* Al Capone: H… *Capone’s skull melts, revealing a robotic brain inside. It begins to emit static noises. After a bit, something can be heard loudly stomping away.* Al Capone: HhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHh… help us... *The camera cuts to Cleopatra at the dock, running toward the barrels before tripping over a drunk Blackbeard.* Blackbeard: LIZARD! GET LOST! Cleopatra: B-blackbeard? Blackbeard: Ye know my name? Cleopatra: Yeah, it’s me, Cleopatra. Blackbeard: YER A LIZARD? Cleopatra: No! I just ran over here cause Capone melted! Blackbeard: So HE’S a lizard? Cleopatra: NO! He was a robot! Somehow… Still! I need your help! Quick, before it’s too late! Blackbeard: Well… missie, that… comes at er… *Blackbeard lazily stumbles off the dock, and Cleopatra sits down and cries.* Team Mario is a Big Fat: Captain Kirk: You know… I have just realized something... Joan of Arc: What would that be? Captain Kirk: We have… not even… created and rehearsed… a script for this… infomercial… Hillary Clinton: The Space Geek is right, we probably should do that, it could help us out in the long run. Who here is good at making up speeches? John Lennon: Well, you’re a politician, you should be good at making up shit. Princess Peach: I’m sort of in politics! Maybe I could try making a script for us to rehearse? Luigi: I think this is a great idea! How are you so pretty and smart at the same time, Peach? Princess Peach: Awww, thanks Louis, you’re such a good friend! *Luigi is about to correct her, but looks down dejected* Raphael: Ha! Friend-Zoned! Err… I mean, you’ll get her next time, buddy. *Donatello looks menacingly at Raphael.* Bob Ross: No worry guys, I got this! *Everyone looks around nervously, then at Hillary, who gets annoyed.* Hillary Clinton: Well, uh… I’m not the leader here! John Lennon: But Bob can’t write! He’s lactose intolerant! Captain Kirk: Well… at least we… expect you to be clever, Hillary. Hillary Clinton: Well, what about you? Aren’t you like, a genius? Wait, that was your elf boy, you lost us a challenge in the cave, why should we trust you? Captain Kirk: That was… uncalled for. Justin Bieber: Either you write and we risk losing honorably, or we die in the hands of a turtle fearing-naked man with oxi-clean! Pick your fate, here! Hillary Clinton: I’m sure we all could write something great together, right? Billy Mays: ONE MORE HOUR! BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! WAIT, NO THERE ISN’T! JUST ONE HOUR, FUCKHEADS! *Hillary Clinton begins to panic.* (Confessional) Hillary Clinton: I’m not an author, I’m a politician! All I can do is lie our way out of… wait… that’s it! *The camera cuts to Raphael, looking back at Donatello, who’s busy writing away. Raphael walks over to Lennon to talk with him.* Raphael: Hey, see that guy in the purple over there? John Lennon: Which one? Raphael: What? John Lennon: Dude, I’m fucking high. Everyone. No, everything is purple. Raphael: The one over there writing. With a beard. And a cape. John Lennon: Yeah, I see him. What about him? Raphael: Why don’t we use what he’s writing? John Lennon: It’ll be kinda tricky… Bob Ross is deaf, he can’t read for his life. Raphael: Just use sign language, I gue- wait, you’re an idiot, this should work. Just go talk with him about it, okay? *John Lennon walks over to Donatello while Raphael grabs the dirty clothes from Wallace and throws them to Ross, as the rest of the team argues.* Team Gangsters *Mario and Gorgo frantically toss eggs up behind Mr. T while he talks into a large moving camera, controlled by Lady Gaga.* Mr. T: Buy now, and get a springin’ new deal! Remember, don’t be a fool, use the cheese so cool! *Mr. T squirts some of the cheese into his mouth and smiles, swallowing it while giving the camera a thumbs off. As soon as Gaga says they’re done shooting, he vomits it back up and pulls off the costume.* Mario: Now we’s gotta edit-a the footage, right? Lady Gaga: I can do that, no problem. Gorgo: I’m starting to worry, half of our team is gone. Should we go look for them? Mario: I-a guess. Mr. T, you wanna go? Mr. T: Nah, I’ll… stay here with Gaga. Gorgo: Suit yourself, lover boy. *Mario and Gorgo venture off to look for the rest of their team as Gaga and Mr. T edit the footage.* Lady Gaga: Can I be honest with you? Mr. T: Yeah.. you can tell me anything… (Confessional) Mr. T: *Fangirl squeals* Lady Gaga: Well… Mr. T: Yes, Gaga? Lady Gaga: Something’s been bothering me lately. Something concerning you… it’s a bit embarrassing, if I’m honest. Mr. T: Yes? Lady Gaga: Well, I’m not exactly sure how to say this… Mr. T: It doesn’t matter to me… just lay it on me. I’ll listen to whatever you say. (Confessional) Mr. T: *Mr. T’s hands are together in a prayer fashion as he looks up to the sky and cries tears of joy.* Lady Gaga: Do you… are you and Monroe dating? (Confessional) Mr. T: *Mr. T begins to cry hysterically.* Mr. T: No… Lady Gaga: Aww! You two would be cute together! Mr. T: You mean it. Lady Gaga: Yeah! I can see it now… you on the beach, her lying down in your lap… holding hands… Mr. T: That’s… flattering, I guess… Lady Gaga: Making out passionately… Mr. T: Uh… Lady Gaga: While your kids frolic in the water… all thirteen… Mr. T: You’re kinda killing the moment here… Lady Gaga: What moment? *Gasp* Are you thinking of her? Awwww!~ Mr. T: Well… when you say it that way… (Confessional) Mr. T: Well, ain’t this lovely! She pictures me having children with my enemy! *sobbing* What caused her to get this image in her head? (Confessional) Lady Gaga: And then their lips touch… and they look to the stars… awwww… *Mr. T walks towards the woods slowly, droning out Lady Gaga, watching the sunset, as he suddenly sees something scoot in from the distance, screaming.* Al Capone: HEEEELP! THE RAT MAN TIED ME UP! Mr. T: What? *Mr. T runs over to Al Capone, who is muddied and bloodied with scratches from iguanas. After Mr. T finishes untying him, Capone stumbles semi-consciously to a tree behind him and lies down.* Mr. T: Man, we’ve been looking for you! Where the FUCK have you been? Al Capone: Blackbeard caught me and lectured me about some killer in the woods and iguanas! I think they heard him to, cause a couple ‘em came after my ass! Mr. T: Wait… our team is out in the woods with a killer? *Mr. T collapses to his knees in fright, before passing out by Capone.* Al Capone: Wait… Cleo’s lookin’ for me! Poor lady must be sick! This is all my fault! *Capone tries to run, but quickly crashes into a bush. Suddenly noticing, Gaga gets nervous.* Lady Gaga: Ooh boy… Mario is a Big Fat *The camera cuts to the MIABF crew, where Joan of Arc is arguing with Hillary Clinton while the rest of the team throws random agreements or disagreements in whenever. Donatello, Lennon, and Ross are busy filming, but no one notices due to the chaos. Raphael quietly stands by the stage, zoned out.* Joan of Arc: We could be doing something other than making up some halved up “we tried!” scandal! For someone who dreams of being president, you’re not very brave! Captain Kirk: You tell her… Joan! Luigi: YEAH! Hillary Clinton: Well, excuse me for being appointed leader here! This is what I know best! Besides how lovely Bill is at saxophone… Captain Kirk: She… does have a point. Bill is… a great saxophonist. Peach: Come on, guys, no need to fight! Luigi: Yeah! We need to do as the pretty girl says! Peach: I didn’t know you liked Joan… Luigi: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! William Wallace: Guys, Joan is right! We need ter save our asses instead of be at each others! Justin Bieber: I hate to be the devil’s advocate, but Billy Mays just announced through all your shit we have ten minutes left. Billy Mays: TEN MINUTES, YOU LOUSY SACKS OF NOTHING! *The people arguing panic and frantically run around as Raphael checks over on Lennon, who gives him a chill thumbs up. Nervously, Raphael slumps down and puts his face in his hands.* Luigi: WE’RE DOOMED! Hillary Clinton: I’ll just go admit defeat now, and we’ll vote someone off! William Wallace: Yeah, ye bet yer crusty arse we fuckin’ will! Joan of Arc: I hope you’re glad with going home, Hillary! Peach: Come on, be nice… this whole thing is kinda making me nervous... *Peach begins to hyperventilate, and grabs for Joan’s hand.* Captain Kirk: I know I’m voting for Hillary… off! Who’s with… me! William Wallace: HOORAH! Bob Ross: Why are we yelling? I LOVE IT! Joan of Arc: Hillary, I thought you were smart. Why can’t you try and be smart here? Hillary Clinton: This takes group effort, and with all our less than average intelligent members, one of who is NAKED, we were doomed from the start! *Peach begins to sob on Joan’s chest, and Joan comforts her by rubbing her back while arguing with Hillary. Luigi reaches out to poke Peach, but Joan slaps his hand away while still looking at Hillary.* William Wallace: If ye stay after this somehow, Hillary, I ain’t lettin’ this little shite accident here slide. Ye let us down, and lettin’ down a Scott is gonna bite ye in the ass, lassie. Don’t ye fuckin’ ferget it. Joan of Arc: Come on, Peach, let’s go sit over here, while Hillary tries to Grassroot her way out of letting down another team. *Joan takes Peach over to a patch of woods by a river, hoping to calm her down.* William Wallace: Let’s go, Spock. *William Wallace walks over to the woods as well, Kirk reaching to correct him, but giving up and joining him in walking away. Hillary’s expression goes to mad, but quickly changes to sorrow, and she sits down.* Hillary Clinton: They’re right… I can’t talk my way out of this. I owe it to my team. Justin Bieber: You bet you do. Start off by jumping into Edison’s shark tank, you ass. Hillary Clinton: Your behavior isn’t helping, mister. Justin Bieber: Soooorry, mother. *Billy Mays loudly in all caps announces the time being up. Team Mario is a Big Fat looks nervous as they walk over, save for Lennon and Ross, who are highly confident, and Donatello and Raphael, who’re nervous. Lady Gaga walks over by herself, nervous. She looks over at the other group, scared.* (Confessional) Lady Gaga: I never have told anyone, but… I hate being alone. Especially as the only one on my side. It scares me. I don’t see this ending well… *The two “teams” surround Billy Mays and Lloyd, who look somewhat confused.* EpicLLOYD: Gaga… where is your team? Lady Gaga: Heh… Billy Mays: ALRIGHT, YOU PATHETIC MEDIA PAWNS DESTINED FOR FAILURE, LET’S EVALUATE THESE SHITTY FILMS YOU HOPE WILL SAVE YOUR ASS AND SEE WHO GETS SENT HOME EARLY AND DOESN’T HAVE TO SUFFER THIS TORTURE MUCH LONGER. EpicLLOYD: Alright, first… Mario is a Big Fat… *All but Lennon, Ross, Raphael, and Donatello look over at Hillary, Peach half-looking as she cries on Joan.* Hillary Clinton: You see… I made a huge mistake. Instead of helping my team write a script, I decided to stick it upon them, when, in reality, not to sound self-centered, they need me- John Lennon: Yo, we got some Ron Jeremy level porn for your virgin fuckin’ eyes to masturbate to. Billy Mays: PORN REMINDS ME OF WHEN I WAS MENTALLY SCARRED BY MY PARENTS- EpicLLOYD: ALRIGHT! Let’s watch this… and hopefully not need therapy later. *Lloyd puts in a VHS tape for a television, and he and Billy Mays turn around to watch. The camera cuts to the commercial. Bob Ross wearing dirty clothes, rubbing paint on his face.* John Lennon (narrating): Do you ever look like a fucking loser? *Bob Ross looks over to the camera, insulted.* John Lennon (narrating): Well then, try this shit on your little child dicks, you whores. *A giant can of Oxi-clean flashes onto screen, with the name swirling around it.* John Lennon (narrating): This shit cleans up anything… from mud… *Bob Ross dumps a bunch of Oxi-Clean onto his shirt, then twitches from the cold air hitting his wet chest.* John Lennon (narrating): To paint… *Bob Ross splashes a bucket of it on his face, then begins to scream. It’s quickly cut mute.* John Lennon (narrating): ...to children’s blood. *Bob Ross looks at the camera confused, then shrugs, with the words “There is none” can be heard. Bob Ross then rubs his eyes before screaming again, which is again muted.* John Lennon (narrating): Buy now and… *Bob Ross falls over in agony, and the camera cuts off as Donatello and Lennon’s voices can be heard rushing to him. Mays and Lloyd then turn around to Lennon and his group, most of whom are scared. Wallace throws his hands up in the air in confused anger.* Billy Mays: WELL THERE GOES MY ERECTION. ALRIGHT, NEXT. *Everyone looks at Gaga, who shakes nervously.* Lady Gaga: Here… *Lady Gaga quickly hands Mays the tape as he puts it in, the camera once again cutting to the commercial. Mr. T in the bunny costume, with some mediocre hills in the background. He’s holding the spray can of cheese, and turns towards the camera in a second.* Mr. T: DO Y’ALL SUCKAS WANNA EAT SOME CHEESE? *Obviously fake, edited in children’s voices cheering “Yeah!” play in the audio.* Mr. T: THEN YOU NEED EASTER BUNNY’S SPRING SPRAY! *Big words repeating the aforementioned title slam in loudly in front of Mr. T’s face.* Mr. T: BUT WAIT, SUCKA! You ain’t got the hunger for no stinkin’ fool cheese? WELL, DON’T WORRY YO SWEET ASS NONE, SISTA. Cause this shit ain’t no plain ordinary cheese! *The words “NOT ORDINARY CHEESE” slam on the screen in a similar fashion to the title.* Mr. T: We got the most delicious motherfuckin’ cheese on this motherfuckin’ planet! *Mr. T sprays some in his mouth, then rubs his stomach, going “Mmm mmm mm!”* Mr. T: Don’t believe me? Let’s see how my CHILDREN like it! *Giant eggs begin hopping up and down, saying random words like “more!”, “yay!”, and “yummy!”. One of them, however, makes a slightly more non-human “Momma” vocal, but is tuned down more for unknown reasons.* Mr. T: Buy now, and get a springin’ new deal! Remember, don’t be a fool, use the cheese so cool! *The screen cuts off, once again returning to Mays and Lloyd. Mays looks pleased, and Lloyd confused.* Billy Mays: OH GOD THAT MAKES ME SO FUCKING HARD. John Lennon: That was atrocious! That rabbit costume looks horrid, and those eggs! I think one of them hatched! About time, too! EpicLLOYD: So, Gaga, where is the rest of your team? Lady Gaga: Well… EpicLLOYD: Because… *Lloyd and Mays whisper to each other, Mays’ whispering being loud “WHISPERWHISPERWHISPER”s.* EpicLLOYD: Because you guys just won yourselves a safe night! Lady Gaga: Woohoo… *Lady Gaga looks worried at the ground as team Mario is a Big Fat moan and complain amongst each other. Raphael walks over to Lady Gaga.* Raphael: Gaga, where is your team? Lady Gaga: Well, the majority may or may not be dead… heh… *sigh* Raphael: Holy shit… want me to help find them? Lady Gaga: You mean it? Raphael: Sure… EpicLLOYD: Everyone on team Mario Is A Big Fat, come to the elimination! Raphael: After this… *Lady Gaga watches nervously as Raphael walks away with the rest of his team. Billy Mays walks over to her and puts his hand on her shoulder.* Billy Mays: DON’T WORRY, I LOST ALL MY SIBLINGS IN A TRAGIC FIRE WHEN I WAS 13. THE PLACE SMELLED LIKE MCDONALD’S FOR A WEEK. *Lady Gaga slowly steps away from Billy Mays.* Billy Mays: THAT’S THE EXACT SAME REACTION THEY HAD TOO. ONLY THEY WERE DEAD. *The camera cuts to the elimination ceremony. Peach is snuggled up with Joan of Arc, Luigi is inching closer, Hillary is off on a distant stump looking down at the ground disappointed, Wallace whistling innocently, Kirk half asleep, John Lennon rubbing his face, Bob Ross painting turtles, and Raphael trying to get Donatello’s attention, but being neglected. Bieber is evil-eyeing Hillary by the podium.* EpicLLOYD: Well, so… this is interesting. You guys argued a bunch, and I think we all know who is going home… Justin Bieber: Why am I up here? Immunity, money… lapdance… EpicLLOYD: Close. Hillary, catch! *Lloyd throws Hillary a medallion, with the word “IMMUNITY” branded into it.* EpicLLOYD: Instead of lasting a set amount of times, this special baby right here can save your ass two eliminations if you feel you’re about to get the boot. And since you got it today, count this as a special third immunity. *Everyone looks slightly offended at Lloyd, except Peach, who is sound asleep on Joan’s chest.* EpicLLOYD: As for the eliminated… *Lloyd looks around at everyone, making them nervous. Luigi hides behind his stump and Lennon flips him off.* EpicLLOYD: Bye. *Lloyd smacks the back of Bieber’s dolley, startling then upsetting him. Macho Man walks up and wheels Bieber away while he wails like a little child.* EpicLLOYD: Let’s be honest, his ass wouldn’t last that long. And now you guys are down one less annoying brat! *Everyone looks around nervously at each other.* EpicLLOYD: Well, I gotta go watch some football, see ya. There’s no hot tub by the way. We lied. *Everyone begins to leave, Joan picking up Peach in her arms and carrying her. Hillary walks up to Joan and begins to speak.* Hillary Clinton: I’m sorry about the… immature slander I had earlier. It was unprofessional. Joan of Arc: Yeah, I guess. I’m more sad about the hot tub… that would’ve been a nice thing to have by the house. We could relax and just forget everything. *Raphael slows down to walk with Joan of Arc.* Raphael: Hey… wanna help me help Gaga find her friends? Joan of Arc: Well… *Joan looks down at the sleeping Peach.* Joan of Arc: Let me put her to bed first, then why not. *Luigi stalks Joan of Arc, whispering to himself.* Luigi (whispers): I am going to touch the booty… the lovely Peach booty… and Mario will be-a jealous… because… *Luigi falls to his knees and leans back, thrusting his hands into the air rockstar style.* Luigi: IMMA WIN!! *The camera cuts to the elimination dock, with Lloyd, Bill, and Ted, who are mopping.* EpicLLOYD: Well, today was interesting. We got two “radical dudes” hired. Bill S. Preston: This mop is totally rockin’, dude! *Air guitar noises* EpicLLOYD: With more help, the next, mega challenge will be a breeze. For me and Peter, that is. Because the competitors are being put to the test with… *Lloyd pauses for dramatic effect.* EpicLLOYD: Writing their VERY OWN RAP BATTLES! *Bill and Ted gasp, then laugh with surprise while mopping more.* EpicLLOYD: And we have some very special friends coming to help… *A helicopter can be heard overhead, slowly getting closer.* Ted Logan: Dude… Michael Bay (from above): GOT ANY PARKING FOR A GOD DAMN HELICOPTER? *A boat pulls up on the dock. Steven Spielberg, Alfred Hitchcock, Quentin Tarantino, and Stanley Kubrick step off.* Stanley Kubrick: My… this place looked better in the brochures. Quentin Tarantino: There were no brochure, dumbass. EpicLLOYD: Will Mario is a Big Fat pull it together? Will Gaga find the rest of her team? Who is loose on the island? Will you two cut it out? *Lloyd looks behind him at Bill and Ted, who got caught up in mop jousting. The two look disappointed in each other, then get back to cleaning.* EpicLLOYD: On a mega four part challenge here on… Total… Drama… ERB! Michael Bay: MOTHERFUCKING MONEY! *The camera cuts to Cleopatra, sleeping sprawled out on the lakeside dock, an iguana scampering by her. Two shadows form over her.* Raphael: Cleo… wake up… Cleopatra: Huh? Joan of Arc: She’s alive still… Cleopatra: Ungh… where… am I? *Cleopatra yawns somewhat seductively, then looks around. It’s somewhat pitch dark, save for Raphael and Joan’s flashlight.* Raphael: Something about this place bugs me. Come on, Capone is waiting for you. *Cleopatra gets up, and looks around, but her desire for Capone changes when she notices bloody footprints on the dock behind her.* Cleopatra: Umm… Joan of Arc: Well, we haven’t found Monroe… everyone else has been identified… Raphael? *Joan looks over to her side to see Raphael gone.* Joan of Arc: Oh, what a shithead. Abandoning us all alone in the dark… wimp. ???: Oh, he didn’t leave, baby. *Joan and Cleopatra look to the side and see… the camera cuts off.* Teams Team Gangsters: Al Capone, Cleopatra, Doctor Who, Gorgo, Lady Gaga, Marilyn Monroe, Kanye West, Mario, Mr. T, Rick Grimes, Sarah Palin, Skrillex. Team Mario is a Big Fat: Bob Ross, Captain Kirk, Donatello, Hillary Clinton, Joan of Arc, John Lennon, Justin Bieber, Luigi, Miley Cyrus, Princess Peach, Raphael, William Wallace. Category:Blog posts